So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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