i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
