I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
