what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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