Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
