Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
