i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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