Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is it penis luge time yet?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
