she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
