yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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