My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
