Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize