bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
