A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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