im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
