apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
