I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
