I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
