so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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