I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
