Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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