I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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