Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
