Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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