Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.