Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.