I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar