Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
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Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
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The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry