You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
