Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
