he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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