You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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