I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
