I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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