Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
