Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
