Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
