no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Randomize
