he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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