Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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