Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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