come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
