: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
