you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
