saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize