when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
