I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
