I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
