yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
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woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
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Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize