threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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