i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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