the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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