He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
