You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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