My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
