my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
